Fuck the Twilight movies. There! I said it. Being a male in my 30's, I realize these movies weren't meant for me. Therefore, my opinion on the matter is pretty much irrelevant. But I stand by my original statement, nonetheless. I've only seen the first Twilight, and like many, I found it to be dull, sappy garbage which takes itself far too seriously for my taste. I know another guy who hates Twilight. A guy by the name of Chris Seaver. Seaver directed this here parody I'm about to tell you about. This guy knows a thing or two about parodies, as he's had a ton of experience making them over the years, with such LBP epics as I Spit Chew On Your Grave, Ski Wolf. Even his long awaited sequel to the now legendary Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker, somehow ended up a Kill Bill parody of all things. So, when Tempe Video wants to cash in on this stupid shit, they knew they found the right guy for the job.

Before I begin, I'd like to just point out that the only reason I watched Twilight is because I was curious after seeing this one. Just throwing that out there. Anyway, this shitty (but hilarious) movie begins exactly the way a Twilight spoof should; With Josh Suire taking a big shit. Playing LBP icon, Leo DeChamp's twin brother, he's quickly killed off by a vampire, after a very necessary nod to Friday The 13th Part V. We now cut to the always hilarious Meredith Host, playing the female lead of "Stella". This comically dull chick is on her way to her dad's house, to live. And we're off to a great start, as it's made clear immediately that Stella's dad is all about sticking it to her. Soon, her old friend, Jack, stops by for a visit. He seems more interested in fingering her vagina than anything else, and succeeds in making the first five minutes in her new home even more awkward.

Things remain awkward the next day at her new school as she hangs with retards. A pretty boy named Edgar also catches her eye. Edgar is a serious, little brooding poon, seemingly with a chip on his shoulder. He seems to want nothing to do with her. And is also a bit of a bully, at times. All done in a very over-the-top manner. But, maybe, just maybe, there's something more to his coldness. Edgar feels that it's for her own good that they stay away from one another. Because Edgar happens to be a fagpire. Or maybe he just thinks she smells like shit.

Fagpire is not what they call vampires in his movie. It's what they call vampires who are little twats. But there are actual vampires in this, too. A pack of "real" vamps set their sites on Edgar so they can have sweet li'l Stella all to theirselves. Her pal, Jack, more or less makes his feelings known, as well as the fact that he's a Michael Jackson-obsessed Werewolf. And a really shitty-looking one at that. Meanwhile, the sun causes bubbles to ascend from Edgar's crotch, as Stella becomes his. Fun stuff. Although, the incest jokes are still the highlight for me...

One thing I'd like to point out in Chris Seaver's defense is the lame title of this movie was not his idea. This was originally meant to be called Twatlight, which sounds about 10,000 times cooler if ya ask me. Shame on Tempe for being pussies and depriving this film of extra cool points. But coolness lies elsewhere, with a hysterical performances as always by Meredith Host, along with Kurt Indovina, Jason McCall and Andrew Baltes. And the always delightful Billy Garberina as the mustached incest dad. We even get a cameo from Chris Seaver, himself, as Jock De Queaf, who usually edits these fine films. And I have to mention the return of an old LBP regular, A.J. Stabone, who plays jack. Great to see him back. I figured he was gone for good. And speaking of returns. A very long-awaited return was also made by Jesse Green, who repsrised his role of Razor McBleed. A very nice touch. I definitely thought HE was gone for good. Glad to see old LBP regulars wander on back from time to time.

Usually, Chris Seaver spoofs movies he actually likes. But an offer was made to make a parody of a very successful film, as faggy as it may have been. He'd have to be a fool to turn this one down, I say. But this does come off like maybe his heart wasn't quite in it, compared to some. But director-for-hire movies usually do. The shooting of this film came at the end of a very long week for the LBP gang, as a lot of them had just got done shooting another film called Teenape vs. The Monster Nazi Apocalypse. Eventually to be revealed a far worse movie than this one, thanks to the Troma team. Another story for another day, that one. But as half-assed as Taintlight may have been, it all came off every bit as crazy and ridiculous as any other Seaver flick, which should satisfy those who dig this stuff. Considering that, as well as the huge shit it takes all over Twilight, I would classify Taintlight as a success, like it or not. 5/10