A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to get to hang with Tromafreak and raid his dvd collection. While trying to figure out what to watch, he suggested a movie called Shatter Dead, a title that meant virtually nothing to me. Intrigued enough by the title, I thought sure, why not! Little did I know that Shatter Dead was no ordinary movie. What I was about to experience in the next 84 mins, cannot be described by words. Never have I seen a movie, so shithouse, yet so intriguing at the same time. Be warned, the following review is highly uninteresting.

Played on a scratchy VHS tape, ominous music played as the opening credits appeared. From very early on, I was feeling a sense of dread and uncertainty. The title appeared, “Shatter Dead”, plain white letters, simplistic and straight forward. Drums started playing as a female voice sung a sweet melody in the background in some foreign language. Sensually and seductively, a white haired lady was making love to a woman doggy-style. The drums kept playing and the voice kept singing. It climaxed in the white haired lady growing large white wings from her back. Then as quickly as it started, it was over as the scene cut to black and I sat there confused by the most bizarre opening scene I have ever seen. What the fuck was that?!

The scene cut quickly to 17 months later where the streets were empty as church bells rung, and our main actress, Susan, played by Stark Raven, made her way down the street. As isolated as the streets were first implied, Susan was passing many people who were hurt, bleeding and mutilated. They are all dead, yet alive. Zombies who don’t need to feast on brains, but who are homeless and poor. Zombies who need to beg the living for money. As a news reporter states, the freshly dead are unsure what to make of themselves. They are simply there. Of course, not all the zombies are helpless bums, some of them are thieves. No, scratch that, RELIGIOUS thieves! Not sure why they need cars and petrol, it’s not like they really do anything with it. Maybe they’re zombie hoarders? They gotta do something with their eternity on earth I guess.

Now if any of you are still reading this boring write up, some of you might be wondering, “But Shaz, what caused this zombie apocalypse of useless zombies?”
Well there’s a very simple and obvious explanation to that. You see, that angel chick that was rooting the other chick at the beginning of the movie, well that angered God and now people can’t die. See? Makes perfect sense. They don’t even need to explain that in the movie, that obvious answer is so obvious that only idiots wouldn’t make that obvious connection. But director Scooter McCrae helps out the idiots by putting that little tidbit on the back of the dvd box just to help them out anyway. So yeah…. The more you know.

Anyway, we follow Susan through this post apocalyptic film and see the world through her eyes. And yeah, that’s pretty much it. I don’t really know why we’re following her. Hell I don’t even know what she’s even doing. I think she might be looking for her boyfriend. They don’t really make her motives very clear. Why is she wandering around aimlessly? Why does she have a gun? It’s not like she can kill anyone anymore. So many questions, so little answers. Don’t try to understand this movie, it’s a pointless exercise. Explaining this movie is like explaining why chocolate tastes so damn good, it just can’t be done. All you can do this just roll with it.

So what can I tell you about this movie? It’s an SOV 90s flick for starters. But don’t let that discourage you, it’s actually kinda decent. It has a really awesome apocalyptic and depressing tone. The best way I can describe it, is similar in the vein to Leif Jonker's Darkness. Now that’s actually quite the compliment. But let me empahsise that this movie is no masterpiece. In fact, it’s severely flawed. I would even go as far as to call it sh!thouse. Despite its excellent concept, the execution sucks, often times it’s kinda ridiculous to the point that I have no idea just how serious this movie is supposed to be. I suspect the filmmakers were very serious when they made this movie, yet somehow saw past the atrocious acting, terrible sounding and weird dialogue. I can only conclude that they were all high on something. And when I say atrocious acting, I mean fvcking terrible! Stark Raven has got to be the worst actress I have ever seen! No offense, Miss Raven, but they could have hired a robot with more emotion. She only has one expression. Whether she’s cautious, or angry, or happy, or horny, she still has this same look on her face! And this is it!



I took that screenshot right after a character complemented her looks (proving that there is some decent acting in this). But I might as well have taken any screenshot of her at any point in the film, her expression would have been exactly the same. The only time it ever changed was during a sex scene. Must have been damn good sex, is all I’m saying.

If you visit the imdb page for Shatter Dead, you won’t see many good reviews for it, in fact quite a few people hated it. If you’re expecting Dawn of the Dead, you’ll hate it too. But if you go in with an open mind, you’ll see something truly unique. Sh!tty acting aside, this low budget SOV has some passion. Certainly there was a message in this about religion. I’m not sure what it was, but the tagline “God hates you!” might have something to do with it. Even though I might not have understood the interpretations the filmmakers had intended, they still made a damn interesting and creepy movie, with some unintentional humour and out of place jazz music to boot. And on top of that, this movie finally answered the great philosophical question that I believe everyone single one of us have all wondered in some point in our lives. No longer shall we have to wonder how to get it on with a zombie, since the lack of blood flow will prevent an erection. Shatter Dead provided the answer, that I believe shall satisfy all viewers. That comes with a Shaza guarantee.

Now, on a completely unrelated note, I visited the imdb page for Shatter Dead, and I couldn’t help but notice the plot keywords. “Unsimulated sex”. Really?! That can’t be right…can it? I wonder which scene it was? Well there were only two sex scenes, one involving two chicks doing it doggystyle, so I tend to believe it was the other one. The one where Susan actually showed some acting range. Perhaps that was the only way the director could get her to smile? Damn that chick really needed to get laid!

So, what the final verdict? I don’t know, from a cinematic standpoint it sucks the big one, but I can’t help but really like it. There’s just something so terrible yet so fascinating, that can only ever be experienced.



Now if any of you poor buggers are still reading this boring write up, I offer you my sincerest condolences. But to make up for it, here’s a picture of a cat with a top hat.



Thankyou very much for reading this shithouse rambling. Cheers!