Who here understands life and death? No one. That’s why I’m here to explain it to you personally.

First comes life, both cuddly, squishy and sandpapery. All two of those three things at once. Then comes the knowledge that you’re not alone, that you’re a part of a system of other similar creatures bearing the same physical make-up that, if you inspect it far enough, is the same right down to the cells, chromosomes, genes and anatomical make-up. The only thing making you different from Auntie Fattie is your attitude (ie. your attitude sucks whereas hers is really cool and right-on).

But is attitude enough to make an individual? There are those scientologists who say “perhaps” and then there are other scientologists who say “perhaps… or perhaps not.” As an interpreter of modern philosophical, philological, true scientific thought, I can say what they’re really trying to say is “Perhaps, or perhaps not.” But it’s not up to us to judge, now is it? And if I may be blunt, who can own a raindrop? Is the sky a person?

In conclusion, I think I have solved all of the philosophical questions to which all sleaze scroungers seek answers. But to dumb it down, in a simple phrase: Death, life, birth: Oh my and oh me, to whom can we attribute a difference?!

The End!