Dec 2016 *
Bad movies, especially of the Horror genre, have always been subjective. What's so bad it's good, and what's worthless is usually a matter of opinion. But what's the difference? What separates "good bad" from "bad bad"? It doesn't matter how terrible a movie is. If it's boring, then, it's boring. And boring is boring. I think we can all agree on that. But what, above all, has made certain bad movies stand out over the years and gain a following? What is it that people like about Blood Freak, Manos, and Troll 2? The only thing I can think of that these movies have in common is weirdness. WTF moments, intentional or not, that makes you question the director's sanity, and even your own, at times. It's true, and always has been. Bad + weird = gold.
Today, we're going to talk about one of the weird ones. In fact, we're going to talk about THE weird one, as far as I'm concerned. A movie I've had a hell of a time thinking up words for. It's called Things, and it was made in Canada in the late 80's by Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis. Although, it strangely has a bit of a 90's feel to it. I watched Things for the first of many times about four years ago, not long after the dvd release. And now that I've thought it over, I think I'm finally ready to talk about this.
I guess some films are so weird, they just got to show the title twice. Already giving the viewer a sense of deja vu. Yeah. They just showed the title three minutes ago, and now, they're showing it again. This time, with fire. I guess some movies are so weird, they just need to show the title twice. The main character is Don Drake, played by Barry J. Gillis. What makes him the main character is a mystery, As well as why he just took the tape recorder out of the freezer and replaced it with his jacket. Don's brother, Doug, has been trying to get his wife pregnant, but with no luck. Doug might be insane, but that's neither here nor there. With seemingly no plan whatsoever, Don and Fred hang out at Doug's house while he tends to the sick wife. Doug's been letting some mad doctor do experiments on her, which was supposed to result in a pregnancy. We then witness a somewhat unsettling scene involving said doctor. A scene that looks like it belongs in another movie. As they sit around and kill time, Don, Doug and Fred kid around, drink beer, and say things no one in their right mind would understand. Ya know what I think? I think they're fucking with us!
Don claims his beer tastes like cowshit from a well in West Africa, and waters it down with pure American water like any Canadian beer drinker with a good head on his shoulders. After Groundhogs Day Massacre goes off, Doug makes some sandwiches, which I'm pretty sure contains nothing. The second his brother's back is turned, he sticks a moth in his, because "it'll be crunchy in his tummy". One of many practical jokes, seemingly meant to fuck with our heads. As Don goes to take a bite, he clutches his arm in pain. "OH, FUCK! I HATE MOSQUITO BITES!!!", he yells, seemingly in the form of a question. I didn't see, nor did I hear any mosquitoes. And even if I missed it, Don was wearing a long sleeve sweatshirt. So, I'm not sure what else to say about that.
All hell breaks loose as Doug's wife dies and gives birth to a bunch of things. The fellas don't seem quite as affected by this as they should be. Doug isn't exactly thrilled his wife is dead, but doesn't show the emotion one should in this situation. He tries to explain why this has happened, but Don randomly goes off about some story he recently read in a Science Fiction novel. I'm not sure what was weirder. Don's seemingly pointless story, or the fact that Doug actually waited for him to finish before calling him a damn bastard and a dick. Don says he's sorry. He meant well and was only trying to eeease the tension. Or so he says.
Soon, Fred is sucked into the third, fourth and fifth dimension, complicating things further. Don and Doug don't seem all that concerned that their friend is gone, but they are now short a man, and forced to do something about the things problem themselves. Don and Doug then sit around for a while longer, drinking whiskey, making confusing jokes, and putting very little thought into whatever it is they should be doing, as porn star, Amber Lynn, tries in vain to make sense out of things.
That's probably all I should say about the story, for lack of a better word. As the movie goes on, things only gets more and more confusing. And I'd rather this be a good review than go on trying in vain to make you understand something that you're just not going to understand. But I would like to point out how great the dvd is, which is packed with extras, including two audio commentaries. The one featuring Gillis and Jordan, however, is probably the least informative, clusterfuck of a commentary I've ever heard. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
In all seriousness. If you see Things as JUST a bad movie, then, you're probably an asshole. Things is nothing short of a masterpiece of schlock. Truly a one of a kind experience. What amazes me is that somehow, the 90's and 2000's came and went without me even noticing this movie. I'll never understand why I hadn't heard of it until its most recent release. Oh, to be a B-movie loving teenager in the 90's, and to discover this shit! But I suppose I should be grateful to now own this movie and to have the option to watch it any time I want, with only a double digit number of viewings behind me. But I got to point out that this is one difficult film to consistently pay attention to. I'm not even sure why. Well, there's the fact that very little happens to further the almost non existent plot. Then, there's the intentionally bad dubbing, the Super-8 film which makes this look a bit older than it is, that "Talespin" song playing during that 15 minute scene where the guys are basically doing nothing. It's so easy to get lost in the weirdness, which varies from random to trippy to dreamy to nightmarish. All of this complimented by a score that makes everything seem far more surreal than I could ever put into words.
The highlight for me was of course Barry J. Gillis' portrayal of the mustached little weirdo, Don Drake, who's sly demeanor tells me he knows something the audience doesn't. Something we're never clued in on, as if we're supposed to figure it all out for ourselves. His disconnected performance makes this disconnected movie one of a kind as much as any of the other weird shit that goes on. The so bad it's good qualities takes a backseat to the complete and utter confusion, which is all clearly intentional, although, the intentions aside from that still remain unclear, even after my dozen plus viewings. Not to be understood, only accepted. Ultimately,Things is just everything you shouldn't do when attempting to make a film, rolled into one big, Incoherent joke without a punchline. A joke probably only meant to be funny to a select few, but is slowly winning over the world, one bad movie lover at a time. 10/10
Bad movies, especially of the Horror genre, have always been subjective. What's so bad it's good, and what's worthless is usually a matter of opinion. But what's the difference? What separates "good bad" from "bad bad"? It doesn't matter how terrible a movie is. If it's boring, then, it's boring. And boring is boring. I think we can all agree on that. But what, above all, has made certain bad movies stand out over the years and gain a following? What is it that people like about Blood Freak, Manos, and Troll 2? The only thing I can think of that these movies have in common is weirdness. WTF moments, intentional or not, that makes you question the director's sanity, and even your own, at times. It's true, and always has been. Bad + weird = gold.
Today, we're going to talk about one of the weird ones. In fact, we're going to talk about THE weird one, as far as I'm concerned. A movie I've had a hell of a time thinking up words for. It's called Things, and it was made in Canada in the late 80's by Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis. Although, it strangely has a bit of a 90's feel to it. I watched Things for the first of many times about four years ago, not long after the dvd release. And now that I've thought it over, I think I'm finally ready to talk about this.I guess some films are so weird, they just got to show the title twice. Already giving the viewer a sense of deja vu. Yeah. They just showed the title three minutes ago, and now, they're showing it again. This time, with fire. I guess some movies are so weird, they just need to show the title twice. The main character is Don Drake, played by Barry J. Gillis. What makes him the main character is a mystery, As well as why he just took the tape recorder out of the freezer and replaced it with his jacket. Don's brother, Doug, has been trying to get his wife pregnant, but with no luck. Doug might be insane, but that's neither here nor there. With seemingly no plan whatsoever, Don and Fred hang out at Doug's house while he tends to the sick wife. Doug's been letting some mad doctor do experiments on her, which was supposed to result in a pregnancy. We then witness a somewhat unsettling scene involving said doctor. A scene that looks like it belongs in another movie. As they sit around and kill time, Don, Doug and Fred kid around, drink beer, and say things no one in their right mind would understand. Ya know what I think? I think they're fucking with us!
Don claims his beer tastes like cowshit from a well in West Africa, and waters it down with pure American water like any Canadian beer drinker with a good head on his shoulders. After Groundhogs Day Massacre goes off, Doug makes some sandwiches, which I'm pretty sure contains nothing. The second his brother's back is turned, he sticks a moth in his, because "it'll be crunchy in his tummy". One of many practical jokes, seemingly meant to fuck with our heads. As Don goes to take a bite, he clutches his arm in pain. "OH, FUCK! I HATE MOSQUITO BITES!!!", he yells, seemingly in the form of a question. I didn't see, nor did I hear any mosquitoes. And even if I missed it, Don was wearing a long sleeve sweatshirt. So, I'm not sure what else to say about that. All hell breaks loose as Doug's wife dies and gives birth to a bunch of things. The fellas don't seem quite as affected by this as they should be. Doug isn't exactly thrilled his wife is dead, but doesn't show the emotion one should in this situation. He tries to explain why this has happened, but Don randomly goes off about some story he recently read in a Science Fiction novel. I'm not sure what was weirder. Don's seemingly pointless story, or the fact that Doug actually waited for him to finish before calling him a damn bastard and a dick. Don says he's sorry. He meant well and was only trying to eeease the tension. Or so he says.Soon, Fred is sucked into the third, fourth and fifth dimension, complicating things further. Don and Doug don't seem all that concerned that their friend is gone, but they are now short a man, and forced to do something about the things problem themselves. Don and Doug then sit around for a while longer, drinking whiskey, making confusing jokes, and putting very little thought into whatever it is they should be doing, as porn star, Amber Lynn, tries in vain to make sense out of things.
That's probably all I should say about the story, for lack of a better word. As the movie goes on, things only gets more and more confusing. And I'd rather this be a good review than go on trying in vain to make you understand something that you're just not going to understand. But I would like to point out how great the dvd is, which is packed with extras, including two audio commentaries. The one featuring Gillis and Jordan, however, is probably the least informative, clusterfuck of a commentary I've ever heard. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
In all seriousness. If you see Things as JUST a bad movie, then, you're probably an asshole. Things is nothing short of a masterpiece of schlock. Truly a one of a kind experience. What amazes me is that somehow, the 90's and 2000's came and went without me even noticing this movie. I'll never understand why I hadn't heard of it until its most recent release. Oh, to be a B-movie loving teenager in the 90's, and to discover this shit! But I suppose I should be grateful to now own this movie and to have the option to watch it any time I want, with only a double digit number of viewings behind me. But I got to point out that this is one difficult film to consistently pay attention to. I'm not even sure why. Well, there's the fact that very little happens to further the almost non existent plot. Then, there's the intentionally bad dubbing, the Super-8 film which makes this look a bit older than it is, that "Talespin" song playing during that 15 minute scene where the guys are basically doing nothing. It's so easy to get lost in the weirdness, which varies from random to trippy to dreamy to nightmarish. All of this complimented by a score that makes everything seem far more surreal than I could ever put into words.The highlight for me was of course Barry J. Gillis' portrayal of the mustached little weirdo, Don Drake, who's sly demeanor tells me he knows something the audience doesn't. Something we're never clued in on, as if we're supposed to figure it all out for ourselves. His disconnected performance makes this disconnected movie one of a kind as much as any of the other weird shit that goes on. The so bad it's good qualities takes a backseat to the complete and utter confusion, which is all clearly intentional, although, the intentions aside from that still remain unclear, even after my dozen plus viewings. Not to be understood, only accepted. Ultimately,Things is just everything you shouldn't do when attempting to make a film, rolled into one big, Incoherent joke without a punchline. A joke probably only meant to be funny to a select few, but is slowly winning over the world, one bad movie lover at a time. 10/10
