I've wanted to write something om a Bill Zebub film for a while, but very few words came to me. In fact, I couldn't even decide on which one to write about. Do I write about the one where Christianity is shat upon? Or what about the one where the guy gets a bunch of ants stuck in his dick? But then, there's the racist one. Actually, most of his movies are pretty racist. I honestly can't decide. And even if I could, I doubt I could come up with enough words to express exactly how werid, bad and fucked up they really are. So, I think I might do a mini review for all three of them. And maybe another one, depending on how this goes. A Bill Zebub film is quite the enigma, and takes much thinking to come up with words which truly do them justice. So, bare with me.

I'll start with Rap Sucks. The first hour is mainly Bill, a smartass Metal head who's not quite as smart as he thinks, as well as some chicks, getting ready to play Dungeons And Dragons, which never gets started due to some very blunt race debates where N words, among other words, are thrown around to a comical extent by some British lady. Bill occasionally throws in his 2 cents, mostly correcting everyone's grammar, and getting on his girlfriend's nerves, who slaps the shit out of him several times. We go back and forth between this bullshit and footage of Metal shows, eventually trailing off into another hour about Bill's relationship with some European chick. Not sure what happened to the other one, but this second half is completely random to the point that it almost seems like Bill put two movies together. The funny thing is that the Rap genre isn't mentioned all that much and has very little to do with the movie. Although, it is touched on how the popularity of Hip Hop has ruined music and made it far less cool to be a Metalhead. I suspect Rap Sucks is just Bill's way of letting the world know how much he hates black people. A hatred overshadowed only by his hatred for the man they call Jesus Christ. 7/10

I'd like to see Bill Zebub get famous one day, on the off chance that he might get invited on the Bill Maher show on HBO. Now, put those two together and that's the makin's for some of the all-time funniest anti-religous rants. If you've seen Religulous, you know what I'm talking about. Bill is a proud athiest and clearly thinks people who aren't are idiots. Which is obvious if you've seen several other films of his. In Jesus, The Total Douchebag, however, Bill Zebub plays Jesus, himself. And isn't all that great at it. This film is mostly made up of conversations between "Jesus" and several "New Testement characters" out in the woods, which are all meant to poke fun and poke holes in Christian beliefs, and of course to be as offensive as possible. The film begins with "God" and Mary getting it on as God lowers his giant God-cock to the Earth. Afterwards, God (played by some old guy) confesses to Mary that he's been killing all her unborn Jesus' so he could keep fucking her over and over. After God leaves, "some black guy" breaks in and tricks Mary into thinking he's God and ends up impregnating her with black Jesus, who serves as Real Jesus' competition later in life. Yeah. Wow! Not one of Zebub's best, but one of the weirdest. Hilarious if you hate Jesus. 4/10

And then, there's the one about the Ants getting stuck in the guy's dick. Antfarm Dickhole. More of the same from Bill and his big mouth, non-comformist opinions, and stupid puns which never fail to get a laugh (from me). But this movie is about his pal, a grown man, who gets picked on by bullies, and has trouble standing up for himself, somehow ends up with a bunch of ants in his dick who crawl out and kill anyone who threatens their new home. "Ant-drew" doesn't have to stand up for himself any more since he's got thousands of fake looking little friends to do it for him, now. His girlfriend is also eaten alive, which he is comically unphased by. This story is mainly about what happens to a pussy when their new found self esteem goes to their head. Plus, More Zebub horseshit with pseudo-intellectual conversations out in the woods with naked chicks, to a Metal soundtrack. Unfortunately, the title is the best thing about this movie. If you don't hate Bill Zebub's work/hobbie already, then, you might not hate this one either. It's pretty funny, at times, and is a hell of a lot better than some other stuff he's come out with. 5/10

And then there's The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made Yes, that's the title. Possibly but hopefully not the film Zebub will be remembered for, as it's quite the mess. On purpose, yes. But a mess is a mess. Bill went to great lengths to break every taboo imaginable, over use every Horror cliché he could think of, and shock, disgust and/or entertain the everloving hell out of anyone he can. This movie isn't even trash. if you can overlook how hard this movie tries, you'll be sucked in to a wild, insane story that seems to go on for days. Bill is a metal-loving, overly opinionated atheist and sexist who has little patience for his gold-digging Dutch girlfriend, Jeanne. Although, he appreciates the fact that she only wears lingerie. After a game of strip-poker involving the mismatched couple and a bunch of random people, they're interrupted by a random axe massacre, Bill and Jeanne flee and are plunged into a world of non-stop B-movie chaos. We the viewer are subjected to crude, immature, sometimes confusing humor, ludicrous dialogue, ridiculous situations, horrid CGI, all kinds of blasphemy, and terrible acting, which is of course on purpose. The most obvious case of someone trying too hard to make a bad, offensive movie that I've ever seen. I suppose that's a part of its ironic charm. But I should point out that this is in no way the worst Horror movie ever made. Not even close. 5/10

Bill Zebub stars in most of his movies, possibly playing himself. The neurotic, opinionated douchebag who spends most of his screen time making sarcastic and controversial comments about society, race and religion. Besides the one's mentioned, Zebub is also responsible for such films as Assmonster: The Making Of A Horror Movie, Zombie Christ, Jesus: Daughter Of God, Rape Is A Circle, Forgive Me For Raping You, and Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist. Not to mention several Metal documentaries which I've been meaning to check out.

There aren't very many micro-budget flmmakers left who stands out and has such a distinct style as the neurotic Metalhead. As unlikeable as they can be, Zebub's films have a certain charm. That is, if you dig Black Metal, chicks in lingerie with big tits, and hate society. If that be the case, then you might have come across something really entertaining, here. But it might help if you like bad movies, because bad is definitely what these movies are. Zebub's unorganized approach and serious lack of editing is his trademark, and only seems to work due to the brashness and assholishness of it all.

At times, it's hard to tell whether Bill's films are intentionally bad or if he simply doesn't give a fuck. That may actually depend on which movie you're watching. Bill's approach to bad movie making doesn't look to be changing anytime soon, and knowing him, he's probably content with the small audience he has. I don't see this guy changing a damn thing for anyone. And that's something one must respect about a filmmaker. Especially this day in time. They're not all great. And even the ones that are, aren't THAT great. But one thing is for sure. It takes balls to be the scary looking bastard who makes these movies.