Just once, I'd love to see an awesome, legendary horror film come along and impress us all while making plenty of money for everyone without studio greed and desperation rearing its ugly head. Why can't they ever just say "Great job, guys! Let us know if you have anymore ideas". Nope! Success means that success must be Xeroxed at all costs. And as many times as possible. If it made money, there must be an attempt at repeating the formula to milk a few more bucks out of the biggest fans. One or more sequels CAN be fine, but some movies just need to be left the hell alone! If that's just not an option, then maybe don't make a watered-down rehash. This is often something that can cheapen the greatness of the original in the eyes of many. A hard thing to do in this case, as this particular original is pretty much perfect, in my opinion. 1985's Return Of The Living Dead is pure 80's greatness. One of, if not the greatest 80's horror film of all time. 1988's Return Of The Living Dead Part II, on the other hand. Well, let's just say this movie is what late 80's horror is all about: Beating a dead horse!

Not to say the original movie was a dead horse, or something nobody cared about, but it already happened. It came and went. People had seen it. This extremely watered-down sequel was just a prime example of the dwindling creativity from a nearly dead heyday for the genre. Those last couple of years didn't offer us a hell of a lot in terms of quality or originality. However, one might think a movie like Return Of The Living Dead Part II could have an advantage, getting to ride the coattails of its predecessor. Financially? Yeah, I guess. As a fan, knowing an already weak movie is not only connected to such a masterpiece, but completely dependant on it, makes it come off all the weaker. Nowhere near the worst thing from the latter part of the 80's. Not even close. But keeping the original in mind? Yeah, get the fuck outta here with that!

I think the most noticable difference between this movie and the original is that this one is completely devoid of that nightmarish tone which has been replaced by a tone of silliness and parody. The original was hilarious, but there was a noticeable balance. No more "spooky" delinquent teenagers. Instead, we got these little kids. Two dicks and some little pussy, who, for some reason, is the main character. After the pussy kid runs away from the dicks, they all stumble across a barrel under a bridge, which has been misplaced by the Army. The head dick locks the pussy in a mausoleum, and the two dicks go back and open the barrel, infecting themselves and unleashing the inevitable Trioxin into the air, infecting the nearby graveyard.

The pussy can't get out of the mausoleum until a couple of grave robbers break in and catch him, allowing him to eventually run out. The two grave robbers are portrayed by James Karen and Thom Matthews, who are, more or less, playing the same characters from the first movie. Don't get me wrong. Those guys are great. They made the original even better than it would have been, but wedging them into this one feels like the director is saying "Yeah, I know this movie is lame, but at least these guys came back". Yes, they definitely made this movie better as well, but their presence only makes me take this movie even less seriously. And don't even get me started on the Tarman cameo...

The pussy figures out what is going on and aims to get in touch with the Army before things get out of hand, but is endlessly hindered by his idiot sister. As we witness the resurrection of a bunch of goofy-looking zombies to a really annoying soundtrack, the grave robbers are, of course, also infected. After the pussy informs the Army of all the chaos, he, his sister and some guy run into the now hysterical grave robbers, who are pretty much fucked by now. However, they still think medical attention will make a difference. In reality, it is too late for them. But we already know that because we've seen the first movie. Pussy and pals hook the grave robbers up with a doctor, but it's no use. As they wander off and become undead, the pussy, his sister, some guy and the doctor rush to find a way to help stop the madness. Ultimately, this leads to the pussy standing up to an undead version of the head dick from earlier, giving us the closure we never knew we needed.

I will say one nice thing about this movie. It has what might be my all-time favorite cover/poster. I remember being a little kid, looking through the horror section at my local video store when this first came out. Creepy covers such as Rosemary's Baby and Fright Night stand out in my memory. None stimulated my imagination more than Return Of The Living Dead Part II. I remember renting "Night" and "Return", and then thinking "Wow! THAT one must be the scariest movie ever made". I'm not sure why I never rented this sequel, but some years later, I remember catching the last half of it on FOX one Saturday afternoon, and thinking to myself, "Hmmmmm... ok, then".

The only thing I hate more than a cash grab is an obvious cash grab. That and lame dad humor. This sequel has not only managed to replace the genuinely scary tone of the original with comedy, but really bad comedy. Like when the zombie and the guy were struggling on the floor, only for both of them to stop in their tracks and become mesmerized by the aerobics chick on tv, leading to all the zombies doing the same. You would think it was full blown porn, going by their reaction. The Harry Truman gag was almost clever. Never mind the zombie who fell for it only looked to be dead a few months. I get that it's not a realistic movie to begin with, but come on! That thing would be nothing but bones if the last President he remembered was Truman. The jokiness of it all, along with the obvious attempt at a PG-13 rating should have discouraged anyone who might have expected a half decent sequel. And being so dependant on the ideas of the original while completely discarding it, makes this all the more unlikable to me. It's no wonder why, years later, they made it a point to get away from anything resembling either of these movies with part 3. Now, that's how it's done! I can't praise that one enough. And as for 4 and 5... Well, that's another story. And I'll go ahead and let someone else tell that one. I just don't have the heart for it. And to think things actually get worse than THIS shit. Sometimes, it really is for the best to quit while you're ahead. 3/10