Naked Obsession (1990) - Here's one that didn't age well. Back in the early 90's, they used to play a lot of low budget thrillers on Showtime and Cinemax, which pre-teen me greatly appreciated due to most of these movies also counting very much as softcore porn, or really just movies with a couple of nude scenes. But sure, some of them had some hot fake fucking. Just not quite as much as it seemed like at the time. Same goes for the nudity, I would imagine. I remember watching dozens of these movies and can barely remember any of the titles, but for some reason, Naked Obsession remains fresh in my brain.

I happened to look this movie up on Youtube last night and whaddaya know! There it is. Naked Obsession is a story about this city councilman putz hanging out in the bad part of town to figure out how to go about this "urban renewal project", whatever the hell that is. Guy gets mugged and beat up but eventually helped by some bum that apparently has supernatural powers. The bum takes Franklyn in a nearby strip club where some blonde chick takes a liking to him and invites him back to her place for some premature ejaculation and auto-erotic asphyxiation. Franlyn's affair with new stripper friend is cut short when she is murdered the next day. Franklyn is spotted and chased down by a suspicious cop when he tries to pay her a visit, but eventually helped by his bum friend, who I was thinking was an Angel for some reason, but probably isn't since he murdered the cop. Things go to hell further when Franklyn's wife and lover are also murdered. I'd probably be wondering about that bum by now if I was this guy, but Politicians are fucking idiots, I guess.

So, I remember this one being hotter than most of the other movies like this that I used to watch. And I don't think it was just me because I remember other kids at school talking about it. Thirty years later and I can't say I am all that impressed. Starring William Katt from Problem Child 3. A guy who I've always thought of as a poor man's Judge Reinhold for some reason. Other than nostalgia, Naked Obsession didn't do a hell of a lot for me as there was far less nudity and sex than I remember. Mainly just a couple of striptease routines and two fairly short sex scenes. Must have been the bush that won me over originally. Before Naked Obsession, I don't believe I ever saw nudity outside of ass and titties. No boy ever forgets the first time they saw FULL nudity. Besides the softcore element, there's not much going on here. It seems as if they put off the part where the story really gets going for a bit too long, and not long after that, it seems as if they start winding things down. Not much of a movie to be honest, but sure brings back memories... of blood flowing to my penis. 4/10 - Nudity

Axe aka Lisa, Lisa (1974) - I just love these random little regional gems that were destined for a spot in the prestigious Something Weird Video catalogue. Back in the mid 70's, random guy, Frederick R. Friedel made a couple of movies that really weren't that great, but kinda were if you like this sort of thing. Filmed in Charlotte North Carolina for $25,000, the movie that would later be known as Axe is pretty basic in premise as is every aspect of the project. However, Axe is not without its strong points as it has a certain haunting atmosphere which seems to have given way to a slowly-built, minor cult following over the years. Let's talk about Axe for a minute.

Three small time gangsters kill a guy for unknown reasons. One of which isn't all that involved and feels pretty bad about it. I assume he's the new guy. Billy is ok. Just mixed up with the wrong people. The other two are a couple of fuckheads. Steele the leader, and Lomax the tubby rapist. After the two dicks have some fun terrorizing the cashier at a market, Steele comes to the conclusion that they all need to lay low for a while. So, they all find a random farmhouse to force their way into. One problem: Steele picked the wrong farmhouse.

As we pick up immediately, Lisa is not up for any of this. She is obviously very depressed and has her hands full with her grandfather who is completely paralyzed. Lisa also hallucinates snakes in the shower and blood on the bathroom mirror. That means she's insane. Meanwhile, Steele is irritable and abusive and Lomax is officially horny. However, Billy is super protective of this chick for some reason and aims to cock block Lomax. Billy does a pretty lousy job of that as Lomax slips into bed with Lisa later that night and forces his penis into her, leaving her pretty annoyed.

So, anyway. Lomax has now been mutilated beyond recognition. Chopped up with an Axe by our now-deflowered young heroine. How all this happened in the middle of the night in a house like this without waking anyone up is beyond me. However Lisa pulled it off, and with several hours left to still get a good nights sleep. Most of the remainder of the movie is mostly a bunch of nothing but it's all leading somewhere. I'm not exactly sure Lisa has a plan but things sure do work out conveniently for her just the same. Poor, naive Billy's white knighting doesn't do him or his would-be partner-in-crime any favors, but had Steele not done what he did, maybe things would have gone differently.

Strangely, this bare bones little thing was a video nasty. No doubt one of if not the single most confusing addition to the list. The violence is minimal and the rape scene wasn't exactly graphic. Something got under someone's skin, I suppose. If I want to find something gory and genuinely disturbing, I'd look elsewhere. Axe is more about the mood, more about the build. Quality-wise, Axe is seriously lacking. In fact, there are few better examples of unpolished 70's horror. But if unpolished 70's horror is appealing to you, here's Axe! 5/10 - Rape, Video Nasty

Private Lessons (1981) - Here's one not worth many points but totally worth watching. Private Lessons is about this little rich kid named Philly, whom I thought was called "Billy" for most of the movie. He looks like a Billy, but not so. Who the fuck's named Philly, anyway? Apparently a 15 year old little dicksniffer who gets his cherry popped by the original Emmanuelle is Philly. This kid's dad goes out of town for a while, leaving him as temporary man of the house. For the most part, Philly just sits around the pool with his tubby little friend, Sherman, talking about how bad he wants to get his dick wet. Sherman, who seems to have no real delusions of getting laid, mostly just gives Philly bad advice while they both go on about fucking the shit out of the maids.

Despite looking like a 12 year old, Philly somehow finds himself in a sexual relationship with his housekeeper, Miss Mallow, a French immigrant. Philly's a little shy and insecure at first, but the seductress talks him out of his diapers soon enough. Why this freak occurrence is even happening remains a mystery for the viewer up until the point we learn that it's all part of a plot by Miss Mallow and the chauffeur to blackmail Philly out of his trust fund. One night while Philly is getting ready to deposit a hot wad of cum inside Miss Mallow, she decides to play possum, leaving a horrified Philly assuming he destroyed this woman with his monstrous erection. Not so. This is merely where the plot thickens.

Conveniently, the chauffeur is the only person Philly has to turn to. Playing it suspiciously cool, this guy calms him down and quickly has all the answers. Well, the one answer being just bury the body in the backyard and that's it. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Of course, there was no body buried, but soon little Philly finds a ransom note demanding 10 grand as the grave is quickly emptied. Philly never suspects the chauffeur until the point when the guilt-ridden Miss Mallow reveals herself as alive and regretful of the whole thing. She also reveals that she was also being blackmailed into going along with this plot. so, Miss Mallow's ok. With the help of Sherman and the legendary Ed Begley Jr, Philly and his whore find a way to get this guy to fuck off.

A very watchable softcore comedy one might have caught on late night Cinemax some years ago. Private Lessons feels more like a regular comedy which happens to includes a bit of sex and nudity as opposed to a full blown softcore sex movie. Either way, it's a bit awkward, dare I say uncomfortable watching Sylvia Kristel molesting what apppears to be a little kid. Apparently this actor was a 16 year old who I'm guessing was dressing and wearing his hair a certain way to appear as a little twerp. Aside from the whole child molestation vibe of it all, Private Lessons is merely a coming of age story about an inexperienced teenager who finds himself in one hell of a situation. A situation that could have ended badly, but instead provided him with the knowledge and confidence it takes to get his dick wet regularly. 5/10 - Nudity

Fast Sofa (2001) - And speaking of Gary Busey's weird son, Jake. This year's trash challenge has now led me to a 2001 comedy called Fast Sofa. A rebellious comedy for the rebellious-minded. A rebellious comedy about a real rebel who rolls to the beat of his own drum, or whatever. Or maybe it's just about a selfish fuck who never grew up and spends his time drinking and driving, and cheating on his girlfriend with whores. Rick isn't exactly what he thinks he is. Maybe he IS happy. He certainly seems happy with himself and isn't a complete asshole but isn't completely not an asshole either. We've all known one of those.

Rick is obsessed with porn stars, Rick hates cops and thinks laws and rules are gay. Whatever Rick wants to do, he does it regardless of how it makes anyone feel or what the consequences are for himself. One night, while Rick is supposed to be picking his girlfriend (Natasha Lyonne) up from work, he runs into his favorite porn actress, Ginger Quail (Jennifer Tilly). And as Rick catches up with the girlfriend the next morning, he explains how putting his weiner in Ginger was "totally crucial" but "didn't really mean anything". And he kinda explained it like she should be happy for him. I don't think Rick realizes porn stars are actual humans.

Rick looks like Rayden on meth, so, the idea of him getting all up in both of these chicks is a bit of a stretch. However, Rick is now free to pursue Ginger Quail's stretched vag all he wants, because he now has a bit more freedom than he originally wanted as the girlfriend has rightfully sent him packing. Not one to let literally anything get him down, Rick takes a road trip like the free bird that he is. A road trip with an agenda which involves getting a bit more of that stretched vag. A road trip intended to be a solo one. However, plans change as Rick is approached by a weirdo played by a weirdo named Crispin Glover.

Jules was on his way home when he got robbed and roughed up by some hoodlums. Jules has nothing and no way to get home or to feed himself. Only his wits. So, Jules annoys Rick until he gets a handout, showing us that Rick isn't a total piece of shit. While grateful for his lunch money, Jules wastes no time in requesting one more favor, being a ride home, which is on the way to Ginger's pad. So, Jules is in luck because Rick seems to be turning into a swell guy before our eyes.

After an altercation ending in Rick blowing up a guy's car, he and Jules finally head to their destinations, although one more favor... For whatever reason, Jules isn't all that into going home at the moment. Jules rather likes hanging with Rick and puts in a request to be his traveling companion/assistant. I must say, Jules is lucky Rick is feeling so generous today because he has now officially made himself a friend. And that is about as positive as thing get...

As Jules waits patiently back at the motel, Rick finds Ginger and stretches her out even further, no doubt justifying every last mile he has driven. It is hinted that more than a sexual connection is being formed, but we'll never know where that would have led because one thing led to another and Rick gets himself in trouble with Ginger's boss/husband/pimp and almost gets his head blown off. Luckily, Rick was released with only his long, blonde locks sheered off. Later on, Jules proves exactly how big of a fucking weirdo he is when threatening to murder a man for not properly taking care of a hawk at a pet shop. With Rick's help, Jules takes the hawk. A bit of a bird lover, I guess. At this point, Rick decides that now might be a good time to get this guy laid.

I honestly don't know much else to say about this one other than "it is what it is". One of countless films made between the late 90's and mid-2000's that is best viewed whilst high. This particular one might be even better viewed late at night whilst high. Of course being nice and stoned makes it far easier to live vicariously through the coolest and freest of self-absorbed losers, played to perfection by the son of Gary Busey. He may have every bit of a punchable face as his old man, but nobody can say ol' Jake is worthless. If you disagree, then you've probably never seen Fast Sofa. 6/10 - Nudity, Drug Use, Racism

Going to have to give this one a watch!