People turn to all sorts of things in order to maintain or gain the strength it sometimes takes to make it in this world. Drugs is a big one. Crime in general. Some people get creative, or at least they stumble upon something a little more on the unconventional side. Today's story is about a human doormat who has been shat upon far too long. A born loser who has inadvertently ended up with a strength and determination he probably never imagined to be HIS reality. Today, we're going to discuss 70's Exploitation flick, Satan's Children, as well as what acceptance from a Satanic cult can do for one's self esteem. More than one would think, apparently.

Some red-headed step-child gets it pretty bad from his step-father and step-sister. Nothing as extreme as a Little Corey Gorey situation, but they are unnecessarily dickish. The step-father makes a slave out of Bobby and is just looking for a reason to bust his ass. The 40-something year old looking step-sister is always trying to get a rise out of him, so to speak. Bobby is having none of that, and despite having no one else and nowhere else to go, he seems to have very little patience for these people. It's only a matter of time before Bobby says something that gets himself kicked out. Bobby doesn't even care anymore. And now, his guy is fucking with his pot. Bobby straight up tells Step-dad to go to Hell and bounces. Bobby has no plan. He's finally free, but at a price. Bobby's got to figure something out quick if he wants to survive out here. I don't know what his plan was to be, but before he can make a plan, Bobby is approached by a lonely homosexual, whose advances he takes great offense.

Luckily the gay is ran off by a seemingly normal person whose wit quickly puts Bobby at ease. Bobby's new friend takes him back to his place for some beer and heterosexual fun only to get on the phone with his friends the first chance he gets. And they're gay! Gay, horny and mean! This new "friend" of Bobby's isn't a friend at all. He's gay, too! That's what all this is about. They're all going to gang up on Bobby and pleasure themselves inside his ass until he cries. Not good! However, these aren't the killing types. The gang of gays did spare Bobby his life, although not so much his dignity, huh? And as we're now one step closer to the point of all this, Bobby is spotted by a group of some unusually fun-loving Satanists. One of the girls takes a shining to him and insists they take Bobby in, even though their master is not around to give it the OK. Sherry doesn't care. Strangely, it was love at first sight. Something that is going to cause a lot of trouble, but Sherry doesn't care.

I don't know about Sherry. She's trying awfully hard to ditch some lezbo chick who's getting too cozy with her. This being out of fear of angering their master, Simon. Maybe Sherry just latched on to the first guy she saw? Well, anyway, I didn't know it until I saw this movie, but Satanists are not down with the gays. And yeah. This isn't going to fly at all. These people don't care for victims, let alone ass rape victims. Sherry isn't doing herself any favors, and might as well have just gone for the rug-muncher, as her new-found love for this loser has done her in. In what is unquestionably the dick move of the whole movie, Sherry is punished by being buried up to her neck and covered in honey to be eaten by ants.

Bobby seems pretty screwed at this point, but manages to get away. Luckily for Sherry, Bobby feels the same way about her as she supposedly does him, so, at least she has a chance, here. As we quickly learn, Bobby's goal isn't so much to get away, but to prove to Simon he's more than just some fuck toy for the gays. This situation has turned Bobby into a determined little bastard who is now out to prove that he is not a victim, because Satanists aren't victims! To do this, Bobby has first got to ditch the Satanists who have been ordered to kill him. That's where the quicksand comes in. Then, all Bobby has got to do is collect the heads of those who have wronged him, present them to Simon, and hope he chills out. Then, maybe Simon will let him stay so he can do it with Sherry some more. Bobby genuinely feels like this Satanism thing is something he can really get behind.

And this is the kind of stuff I love the most. Not so much Satan-themed Exploitation, but weird, random little movies like this that were so common in the 70's. I don't know where the director/writers got all these ideas, but they came up with one hell of an entertaining concept with the gay-hating Devil worshippers and coming-of-age adventure for the red-headed step-child in his underwear. Brought to you by Something Weird Video in a double feature dvd with the inferior Asylum Of Satan. This is truly one of the most entertaining things that company has ever put out, and like many others from SWV, is deserving of a larger following. But hey. That's Satansploitation for ya. It doesn't exactly give one a warm, fuzzy feeling... or does it? 5/10