When I think back on the 80's, shot-on-video Horror movies isn't exactly the first thing that comes to mind. Maybe I was a bit too young to delve deep enough during the heyday, but come '93 or '94, I discovered a little movie called Blood Lake, which, as we all know, is from the 80's. A time when it was considered normal, dare I say common, for someone to choose some SOV Horror whilst movie-renting on a Friday night. I don't remember that but that's the world I want to live in. So, today, I pay tribute to the good old days of shot-on-video Horror while taking a look at three examples of SOV greatness. And don't worry. There will be no further mention of Blood Lake, which I love, but I know you hate. To each their own. Maybe we'll find some common ground within the ones I've chosen. Above all, these three films represent their era nicely and capture that independent spirit which made them all special to begin with. Today, we're going to talk about the doll, the twins and the 'shine.

The Doll: Yeah, I'm going there! One of the weirdest WTF movies available is probably, hands down, THE weirdest SOV, period. Because of this, Chester N. Turner's Black Devil Doll From Hell almost always get a mention when this era and this format are brought up. What makes this movie so weird, you ask? It's not so much the all-black cast as it is the fact that this all-black cast includes a sex-crazed puppet from Hell. And considering how bottom-of-the-barrel all this is, That's pretty weird, right? On top of coming off completely random and demented, Black Devil Doll From Hell also feels a bit like a Christian film, at times, as the main character is extremely religious. Being as devout as it gets, Helen is a virgin and plans on keeping it that way until the day she is married. Helen pleads with her friends who are on the wrong path to get right with God before it's too late. She means well, but whether Helen knows it or not, she is missing something from her life: Big, black dick!

One day, Helen finds herself looking around in a thrift store and comes across an item that is going to change her life forever. Some Webster-looking doll has been sitting here for who knows how long, awaiting a special lady he can consume with his demonic powers. Preferably a lonely one who has gone her entire life unfucked. Like many others before her, lonely, horny Helen is vulnerable to the silent charms of this hunk of wood and she doesn't even realize it yet. Helen immediately buys the doll and takes her new prized possession home with no reason ever given as to what she needs with this thing. Well, as we know. Helen needs to get laid, so, let's just say that problem is about to work itself out. Suddenly, the doll becomes a jive-talkin' bastard. He attacks Helen, ties her up and goes to town on her virginity until it's no more. All this while being unnecessarily mean about it. First a horrifying experience, but Helen has just gone far too long without getting laid to not appreciate it. She also seems to like getting her vagina licked which I didn't see coming. She at least likes a doll tongue shoved up in there. So, Helen now becomes a total slut.

Yeah, Helen is a total slut, now. A slut with an itch that can never be scratched. Just when Helen found true happiness, the doll hightails it, leaving her forever wanting more. Helen wants more dick, but not just dick, in general. Helen doesn't want to be a slut but she needs to find some dick that can make her forget about what she has experienced. However, it quickly becomes apparent that only the doll will do, now. Helen believes her now throbbing vagina was made for this evil thing and will never be the same without it. As desperation prevails, Helen attempts to find her doll, making the biggest mistake of her life. And speaking of mistakes, how 'bout them opening credits? What were they, 7, 8 minutes? Seemed more like 7 or 8 hours. That just needs to be pointed out by someone whenever this movie gets brought up because it's simply fucking ridiculous, and avoidable. There's nothing wrong with making a movie that's just over an hour. Despite the cult status of this thing, the rest of the movie isn't much easier to sit through. In fact, I'd say watching two or three certain scenes would qualify one to join in any conversation involving Black Devil Doll From Hell. I'd totally recommend those scenes for anyone who likes weird scenes. The movie, not so much. 3/10

The Twins: That's right, the twins! Don't act like you don't know who I'm talking about. John and Mark Polonia, who, nowadays, are responsible for scores of films. All of which are no more or less polished or budgeted than that of a Chris Seaver movie. And like Chris Seaver, they have their own weird charm. The Polonia brother's second (first official?) film came in 1987, called Splatter Farm. Truly one of the roughest and lowest budgeted films of any format. Something around 100 bucks, I hear. And you will wonder where exactly this alleged money went as there is only a cast of four, with the Polonia weirdos being half of that. I've seen quite a few of these guy's movies and this is the only one that I would consider to be "sick". Most of their filmography would be closer to cheesy, but this is who they were in the beginning. I don't know what was going through the little fella's heads, but one 80's Summer, they spent a couple of months with their friend's grandmother at her Pennsylvania farm, with the intention of creating something. Not necessarily anything good, but hopefully something.

Splatter Farm was co-directed by the Polonia's pal, Todd Michael Smith, who was good enough to offer his grandmother's services. John and Mark play Joseph and Alan, who are heading down to their aunt's farm for the summer for reasons I'm not 100% clear on. Just to do chores and take naps, I guess. This Aunt Lacey is one creepy old lady. I don't see anything that she may be doing to purposely come off that way, so, I think she's just like that. Her acting is something to behold. Not that it's the single worst case I've ever seen. I've just never seen anyone act quite like that before. So, anyway. Aunt Lacey hates one of the twins and wants to get it on with the other, making both cases pretty obvious. Todd Smith plays Lacey's psychotic, lipstick wearing handyman, who, of course, wants to fuck the other twin. He killed a pony earlier. He bashed it's brains right in. Poor thing was cute, too. If Jeremy is going to do that to a pony, what do you think he's going to do to these little pussies? All we can do is hope Aunt Lacey gets some action before the hot twin gets it. Or not. Whatever. I personally feel like it would be funny if he fucked her.

So, we got some incest, some really ketchupy looking blood, anal rape, forced shit-eating, and some unusual accents from some unusual little gippers with mustaches. Hell, they did good. When you have literally nothing else to work with, including ideas, why not just make things as sick as possible? This is true independent filmmaking in it's purest form. This is the stuff only meant for those of us who not only love but believe in this shit. And the ones who have learned to overlook just about anything. There is so much about Splatter Farm that would make most see it as more of a home movie than SOV Horror and I wouldn't be too quick to blame them. There was a sickening tone to it, though, not unlike The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So, quality-wise, it does have that going for it. And whether she knew it or not, that dude's grandmother added a certain creepiness. From what I've heard, she was portrayed a bit sicker than she was aware of. I'm not even sure she was informed that she was playing the role of someone who tries to stick it to her nephew. Naughty little Polonias! 4/10

The 'Shine: Out of all the shot-on-video Horror that came out of this decade, I can't think of very many that were Zombie flicks. In fact, with the exception of Todd Sheets' Zombie Rampage, only one comes to mind. To me, this is the mother of all 80's SOVs. My personal favorite, to be honest, as well as my all-time favorite non-Kaufman Troma movie. Yes, I'm closing this thing out just like the 80's closed out. With 1989's Redneck Zombies! It's just so bad, yet so ambitious at the same time. So happy to exist. It's silly, but damned if there's not a little genius deep down in there. Not a lot. Sometimes, you have to look hard but it is there. If you've seen it, I'm sure you know what I mean. Unless you're a horrible person with faggish taste, but I'm not here to judge. Only to enlighten. Directed by Pericles Lewnes and given a financial hand near the end by Lloyd Kaufman, Redneck Zombies, above all, is very self-aware. Much more than anything like it at the time. Just a trashy, slapsticky good time, in the spirit of everything from Return Of The Living Dead to The Three Stooges.

Somewhere out in the sticks, Tyrone the soldier is hauling a barrel of toxic waste off somewhere better. However, when he burns his finger on a joint, he accidentally has a wreck, sending said barrel tumbling down a hill, lost forever. There was a dog who was about to get some joint shared with him, but he sort of vanished once things went south. I'm not sure what happened there. A morbidly obese hick shows up with his gun and decides the barrel is his. Tyrone knows when he's licked, so, he hightails it because that's all he can do. Ferd Mertz's new toy immediately becomes the Clemson clan's new still as they quickly run his fat ass off with their guns. Meanwhile, we got this group of campers who are looking for a nice spot with a pond to piss in. With a specific spot in mind, Wilbur leads his pain in the ass group of friends deep into the woods. These people really must want to be out here because they don't seem to know or like each other all that well. Meanwhile, the Clemsons have convinced themselves this green shit is going to make them a killing. That's one way of putting it...

The Clemsons send out Elly May to make the deliveries, and not two seconds later, they get to drinkin'. It might have been a good idea to do that before Elly left. Now, they're all dead. Meanwhile, oblivious Elly goes around town, spreading his family's radioactive death to all. I would say they all rise as Redneck Zombies, but the truth is, somebody needed to look up the definition of "redneck" before filming this. One could make the argument that the people in this film are more so portrayed as hicks, and at times, even hillbillies. What exactly is a redneck? An ignorant, white asshole who probably lives in a rural area? Yeah, I guess they're rednecks, but maybe the out of place Beverly Hillbillies influence was just for laughs like everything else. I'm sure Mr. Lewnes knows what a redneck is. There are few films I've seen more times than this one. Some movies just never get old, do they? Little hearwarming qualities keep me coming back. Like the obvious change in seasons during a single scene, to the drunk guy who is never acknowledged. Some things can't even be explained. Some things are seemingly meant to mess with our heads, I think. Redneck Zombies is more than just another SOV abomination and not just another movie picked up by Troma. Redneck Zombies is just plain one of a kind, which is probably a good thing. 10/10

And that's what pops into my head when I think of this era of shot-on-video Horror: A sexually abusive doll, creepy twins, and radioactive moonshine. With a bunch of cool shit like that, one has to wonder how the popularity of these things dwindled in the first place. The early ones were some truly bizarre stuff given an unintentional aura of realism by a cheap, new format. This format allowed some truly bizarre people to share their visions with the world without having to borrow millions of dollars. And in some cases, good money was made from them. Only in the 80's, though. Shot-on-video Horror did carry on throughout the 90's on a smaller, more underground scale, and would finally give out sometime in the early 2000's. Some people still make one now and then, but never again will these films be (worth) what they were because once the game changes, it never changes back.