Mar 2015
Nothing can prepare you for the shocking experience of FROZEN FLESH - the most explicitly gory, shocking, bloody, and controversial movie ever made!
That right there, that’s the tagline for this piece of shit movie. Now I’ve been around controversial cinema long enough to know that many movies make this claim far too easily, yet at least most of them actually attempt to be somewhat extreme and disturbing. But director Justin French has something far more terrible planned for us and as a result, has without a doubt, created the most godawful, infuriating, worthless piece of cinema I have ever had the bad luck of viewing. I just couldn't believe how atrocious this pathetic excuse of a cumstain this movie is. A movie so awful I wouldn't wish my worst enemies on it, but I’ll do the next best thing, and that’s describe just how terrible it is.
Okay, I’ll admit, the first 15 seconds aren't bad. With a black background, the words FROZEN FLESH CINEMA appear, all the while, ominous and unsettling music plays as score. The next words to appear is ‘directed by Justin (get fucked!) French before FROZEN FLESH appears on the screen. By now the music, which started out cool, is now repetitive and annoying. Hopefully the credits will end but they don't. Nope! They goe on! We have some random dude starring as the Mass Murderer, original score composed by French, produced, written and directed by French, and again FROZEN FLESH! You would have thought the title only needed to appear once, but not old Frenchy. So, this whole sequence took 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Doesn't sound that long right, but considering I just rewrote the entire credits, I’d be surprised if any normal movies couldn't do the same in less than 20 seconds. Am not impressed so far, and you want to know the worst of it. The credits were the best thing this movie had to offer, wish I was joking. Get fucked!!!
So, our first scene. Tinted in red, the camera opens on what appears to be a candle in a sink? I’m actually not sure what it was, to be honest, i really couldn't give a stuff. Oh and goodie, we get to continue listening to the terrible score. By the way, I lied, it’s not ominous, it’s terrible, absolurely shithouse. This music will haunt my dreams therein after. So yeah, the candle. I bet you’re expecting something to happen with it right? You’d be wrong. We watch this candle through one take for 2 and a half mins with nothing changing except the music going an octave higher and the candle eventually blowing out, and then we cut to a tap. So we watch the tap for a few mins. At one point, a finger comes into shot to touch the water coming from the tap. Cut to the drain. And we watch water going down the drain. But oh no! Blood starts pouring down the drain too! How ghastly, yet oddly exciting that something is finally happening! Oh cuntballs, the water is turned on harder and the hand cleans up all the blood. So there you have it, the first scene of the movie. 9 mins long! So not impressed....
Guess what we get to watch for the next 11 mins..water boiling! Oh you don’t believe me, trust me, I wish I didn't believe me either, but no, I watched someone record themselves boiling water. Then I don’t know, we watch them put some cream or something into a pot. We cut away and then see a hand on the stove! Okay, you might be thinking you might actually get something interesting now, but wait a minute and you'll be bored again. Pouring blood slowly on the hand...yep, then he starts putting powder or sand or something, I don’t know. Frankly I don’t care. I bored writing this review as much as I was watching the abortion! This is around the 30 min mark I guess and I’m already contemplating the worst possible things I could do to the director. A splintered broom handle might do the job....
Okay, so he’s where I cheated. I watched the rest through fast forwarding. And you shall NOT judge me! If anything, I should get a reward for making it this far without fast forwarding!
So he poured water as well on the hand, I think the music changed slightly... and then a man with a stripped shirt and a balaclava appeared, just standing there looking like a douche....fast forwarding and nothing happening, he’s still standing there. Oh no! He’s got a knife!!!...... and he’s stabbing something...without any blood. Oooh slow mo stabbing... has it been 15 mins already!.... fast forwarding..... I think that’s about 16 mins we've watch this man stab something without any blood on the knife. And now he’s just standing there with the knife. Now he’s just standing there without one. Oh he’s posed to stab again! Oh are you shitting me, it’s extra slow mo! Fast forward, FAST FORWARD!!! I’m glad I did, it appears this goes on for half an hour. Annnnnnd cut to black, FROZEN FLESH.
Thank GOD! It’s over! A Justin French Film! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!!! GET FUCKED!!!
So, there you have it, Frozen Flesh, in it’s 112 min running time! A movie so awful that my eye almost but melted out of my head! Very few movies result in shaza turning into a mini Hulk, but Frozen Flesh.... HULK SMASH!!!!
Can you believe people paid money to watch this! Can you believe Mr French actually trolls the Frozen Flesh board saying how awesome it is! This guy might just be the best troll on the internet. I don't care if this was meant to be a joke, Mr French, I'm coming to your house and kicking you very very hard in the balls!!!!
Get fucked/10!!!
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1262128/reference
Please don't watch it here.
I'm gonna search the internet for cute videos of kittens to return me to my normal self. Raging shaza is not a pretty sight!
Ahhhh, that's better.
That right there, that’s the tagline for this piece of shit movie. Now I’ve been around controversial cinema long enough to know that many movies make this claim far too easily, yet at least most of them actually attempt to be somewhat extreme and disturbing. But director Justin French has something far more terrible planned for us and as a result, has without a doubt, created the most godawful, infuriating, worthless piece of cinema I have ever had the bad luck of viewing. I just couldn't believe how atrocious this pathetic excuse of a cumstain this movie is. A movie so awful I wouldn't wish my worst enemies on it, but I’ll do the next best thing, and that’s describe just how terrible it is.
Okay, I’ll admit, the first 15 seconds aren't bad. With a black background, the words FROZEN FLESH CINEMA appear, all the while, ominous and unsettling music plays as score. The next words to appear is ‘directed by Justin (get fucked!) French before FROZEN FLESH appears on the screen. By now the music, which started out cool, is now repetitive and annoying. Hopefully the credits will end but they don't. Nope! They goe on! We have some random dude starring as the Mass Murderer, original score composed by French, produced, written and directed by French, and again FROZEN FLESH! You would have thought the title only needed to appear once, but not old Frenchy. So, this whole sequence took 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Doesn't sound that long right, but considering I just rewrote the entire credits, I’d be surprised if any normal movies couldn't do the same in less than 20 seconds. Am not impressed so far, and you want to know the worst of it. The credits were the best thing this movie had to offer, wish I was joking. Get fucked!!!
So, our first scene. Tinted in red, the camera opens on what appears to be a candle in a sink? I’m actually not sure what it was, to be honest, i really couldn't give a stuff. Oh and goodie, we get to continue listening to the terrible score. By the way, I lied, it’s not ominous, it’s terrible, absolurely shithouse. This music will haunt my dreams therein after. So yeah, the candle. I bet you’re expecting something to happen with it right? You’d be wrong. We watch this candle through one take for 2 and a half mins with nothing changing except the music going an octave higher and the candle eventually blowing out, and then we cut to a tap. So we watch the tap for a few mins. At one point, a finger comes into shot to touch the water coming from the tap. Cut to the drain. And we watch water going down the drain. But oh no! Blood starts pouring down the drain too! How ghastly, yet oddly exciting that something is finally happening! Oh cuntballs, the water is turned on harder and the hand cleans up all the blood. So there you have it, the first scene of the movie. 9 mins long! So not impressed....
Guess what we get to watch for the next 11 mins..water boiling! Oh you don’t believe me, trust me, I wish I didn't believe me either, but no, I watched someone record themselves boiling water. Then I don’t know, we watch them put some cream or something into a pot. We cut away and then see a hand on the stove! Okay, you might be thinking you might actually get something interesting now, but wait a minute and you'll be bored again. Pouring blood slowly on the hand...yep, then he starts putting powder or sand or something, I don’t know. Frankly I don’t care. I bored writing this review as much as I was watching the abortion! This is around the 30 min mark I guess and I’m already contemplating the worst possible things I could do to the director. A splintered broom handle might do the job....
Okay, so he’s where I cheated. I watched the rest through fast forwarding. And you shall NOT judge me! If anything, I should get a reward for making it this far without fast forwarding!
So he poured water as well on the hand, I think the music changed slightly... and then a man with a stripped shirt and a balaclava appeared, just standing there looking like a douche....fast forwarding and nothing happening, he’s still standing there. Oh no! He’s got a knife!!!...... and he’s stabbing something...without any blood. Oooh slow mo stabbing... has it been 15 mins already!.... fast forwarding..... I think that’s about 16 mins we've watch this man stab something without any blood on the knife. And now he’s just standing there with the knife. Now he’s just standing there without one. Oh he’s posed to stab again! Oh are you shitting me, it’s extra slow mo! Fast forward, FAST FORWARD!!! I’m glad I did, it appears this goes on for half an hour. Annnnnnd cut to black, FROZEN FLESH.
Thank GOD! It’s over! A Justin French Film! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!!! GET FUCKED!!!
So, there you have it, Frozen Flesh, in it’s 112 min running time! A movie so awful that my eye almost but melted out of my head! Very few movies result in shaza turning into a mini Hulk, but Frozen Flesh.... HULK SMASH!!!!
Can you believe people paid money to watch this! Can you believe Mr French actually trolls the Frozen Flesh board saying how awesome it is! This guy might just be the best troll on the internet. I don't care if this was meant to be a joke, Mr French, I'm coming to your house and kicking you very very hard in the balls!!!!
Get fucked/10!!!
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1262128/reference
Please don't watch it here.
I'm gonna search the internet for cute videos of kittens to return me to my normal self. Raging shaza is not a pretty sight!
Ahhhh, that's better.
