Apr '14
When there is no more room in hell, the elves shall walk the earth.
Yes, yes, I know how you're feeling. I shuddered too, when I heard that 'oh so famous' line from this 1989 trash epic. Elves. That's what we're dealing with. Our evil and vicious antagonists, are Elves! Not 'Critters', with their awesomely large grins, not 'Trolls' with their unique fx, not even 'Gremlins' and they look like cuddly little munchkins half the time. No, no, we're dealing with something much more sinister and evil. Behold, the Elves, in all their ugly glory!
Whoops, wrong elves. Hang on a minute.
Ah, there we go. Attractive isn't he. It looks like Nosferatu had sex with a rat. And look at his mouth. He never closes it. Every time you see this little bugger, he's got his mouth open, I kept expecting him to start drooling. And of course the icing on the cake being the Santa hat. This is after all, a Christmas horror movie, if you can call it that.
So what's it all about then?
Well, it centers around a teen called Kirsten. She's not a fan of Christmas. She hates it so much, she and her girlfriends decide to do some anti Christmas ritual at the beginning of the film. In doing so, Kirsten hurts her hand and starts bleeding all over the place. This is important, apparently her blood has the ability to awaken the Elf. Not 'Elves' by the way, there is no plural here. There is only one Elf, the title of this movie is a lie. But I'd still much rather watch Elves, then this flick.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0319343/reference
Anyway, our second major protagonist, is good old Santa himself, played by Grizzly Adams.
Let's just take a moment to bask in the glory of his beard. Cos seriously, dat beard! Damn, he could give MacReady a run for his money.
I don't know what it is about guys who have beards, but they just seem more manly! More guys should wear more beards.
What were were talking about again? Oh yes, Haggerty plays an ex cop, turned Santa, who plays the father figure, the protector of our dear little Kirsten. And with such an epic beard like that, we know this is someone who is tough. Someone who is manly, someone who might be able to face the evil Elves... er, I mean Elf.
Okay, so there is much more to the plot, but I'm gonna zip my lips. The whole fun of Elves, is discovering the drama and shenanigans all on your own-some. What I can tell you, is things get all sorts of crazy. Like sh!t hitting the wall, crazy! I don't wanna use the termNazi Elf Rapists
Still haven't convinced you to watch this movie yet? Well, lets see if I can change that. For a movie that's meant to be rated PG13, it had full frontal nudity, harsh language, crotch stabbings, attempted elf rape, and a horny Santa Claus. Who couldn't love a movie that utters this line...
Best line ever!
All that said, this is some low budget shlock. The acting is woeful (apart from Haggerty's), the plot makes no sense (cos it doesn't), and the Elf is ridiculous. It takes him like ten minutes to try and rape a chick, when she's sitting right next to him. She's not even defending herself, she's right there!
This is one of those, 'so bad, it's wonderful' movies. Highly recommended for some high quality entertainment.
8/10
Thankyou. Cheers!
Yes, yes, I know how you're feeling. I shuddered too, when I heard that 'oh so famous' line from this 1989 trash epic. Elves. That's what we're dealing with. Our evil and vicious antagonists, are Elves! Not 'Critters', with their awesomely large grins, not 'Trolls' with their unique fx, not even 'Gremlins' and they look like cuddly little munchkins half the time. No, no, we're dealing with something much more sinister and evil. Behold, the Elves, in all their ugly glory!
Whoops, wrong elves. Hang on a minute.
Ah, there we go. Attractive isn't he. It looks like Nosferatu had sex with a rat. And look at his mouth. He never closes it. Every time you see this little bugger, he's got his mouth open, I kept expecting him to start drooling. And of course the icing on the cake being the Santa hat. This is after all, a Christmas horror movie, if you can call it that.
So what's it all about then?
Well, it centers around a teen called Kirsten. She's not a fan of Christmas. She hates it so much, she and her girlfriends decide to do some anti Christmas ritual at the beginning of the film. In doing so, Kirsten hurts her hand and starts bleeding all over the place. This is important, apparently her blood has the ability to awaken the Elf. Not 'Elves' by the way, there is no plural here. There is only one Elf, the title of this movie is a lie. But I'd still much rather watch Elves, then this flick.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0319343/reference
Anyway, our second major protagonist, is good old Santa himself, played by Grizzly Adams.
Let's just take a moment to bask in the glory of his beard. Cos seriously, dat beard! Damn, he could give MacReady a run for his money.
I don't know what it is about guys who have beards, but they just seem more manly! More guys should wear more beards.
What were were talking about again? Oh yes, Haggerty plays an ex cop, turned Santa, who plays the father figure, the protector of our dear little Kirsten. And with such an epic beard like that, we know this is someone who is tough. Someone who is manly, someone who might be able to face the evil Elves... er, I mean Elf.
Okay, so there is much more to the plot, but I'm gonna zip my lips. The whole fun of Elves, is discovering the drama and shenanigans all on your own-some. What I can tell you, is things get all sorts of crazy. Like sh!t hitting the wall, crazy! I don't wanna use the term
Still haven't convinced you to watch this movie yet? Well, lets see if I can change that. For a movie that's meant to be rated PG13, it had full frontal nudity, harsh language, crotch stabbings, attempted elf rape, and a horny Santa Claus. Who couldn't love a movie that utters this line...
Best line ever!
All that said, this is some low budget shlock. The acting is woeful (apart from Haggerty's), the plot makes no sense (cos it doesn't), and the Elf is ridiculous. It takes him like ten minutes to try and rape a chick, when she's sitting right next to him. She's not even defending herself, she's right there!
This is one of those, 'so bad, it's wonderful' movies. Highly recommended for some high quality entertainment.
8/10
Thankyou. Cheers!
