Jan '22
Before I cancel Disney+, I wanted to get through all this shit while I can. Right off the bat, I can say I think this "phase" is weak as hell, and I'm not impressed with most of what I'm seeing. The whole Marvel Cinematic Universe is becoming so formulaic with forced diversity when a 90s era comic fan like me doesn't want to see any of this new shit. I only want to see the same old shit I grew up with, which is to say the characters I grew up with. They're introducing so many new boring characters, it makes my head ache. Anywho, here goes...
WandaVision - When this was first announced, I was pretty pissed because the MCU version of Scarlet Witch and Vision are both shitty characters. Super boring, generic superhero cutouts with no personality. Then I saw the trailer and saw they were making it into a shitty old sitcom and I got very excited. Then the series went on and strayed from that shitty sitcom format and turned into an actual shitty superhero story.
What really sucks here is that she has the power to alter reality, and since she's capable of merging the Fox properties (X-Men!!) with a simple chant, we were all waiting for something to happen. This show came out AFTER Fox got bought out, after all. So did they do anything? Well, they brought Evan Peters back... and then spit on the fans faces by having him be a fake out. Basically, nothing good happened here, so the start of this phase already had me disillusioned.
Falcon and the Winter Soldier - Again, Falcon and Winter Soldier are two incredibly boring characters. Anthony Mackie is a good actor and all, but what does he have to work with here? The two have to fight some uninspired super soldiers as well as Wyatt Russell's goofy looking Captain America who goes mad with power, and in the end, I was rather unenthused by the whole thing. It's just kind of a dull story that tries to cash in on the political thriller aspect of the second Captain America movie, only it doesn't have much substance to it.
Loki - Finally, we have a decent entry to this phase, because Tom HIddleston is a charming S.O.B. His character actually has a good arc, being a mischievious fuck who finally learns what an ass he's been and, in a most narcicistic twist, falls in love with himself. Well, rather a female variant of himself, but it's perfectly fitting.
This is a weird time-travel story primarily used to set up the rise of Kang the Conqueror, who I've read a lot about and he seems like he could save the MCU from all this generic drivel. I was quite fascinated with the finale of this show, which had a total Planet of the Apes type of ending.
Black Widow - After something good, we're back to this mediocre drivel about another extremely boring character that Marvel seems absolutely obsessed with. I think Scarlet Johansen is very meh, and I know her character is supposed to have no real personality, but give me a break. They only gave her this movie because she's a "strong woman" type, but apparently, it wasn't worth the wait to a lot of fans.
David Harbour was good as Red Guardian, because that dude is generally good in whatever he does. What's-her-face as Yelena was also oddly charming as a comic relief of sorts, but Task Master was completely ruined by turning HIM into a HER, and basically as a mindless drone. Ugh. What a waste.
Eternals - Perhaps the weakest Marvel movie yet. Here, we have a team of super-powered aliens who nobody knows nor gives two fucks about. I particularly hated that Superman knock-off Icarus, just because. Then the rest of our eternal characters are a showcase of ethnic diversity, with some homosexuality thrown into the mix just for the sake of being woke.
The plot has our eternals fighting deviants, who are generic monsters, as well as themselves and their master who wants to destroy the earth. When it comes to the entire earth being at stake, my relatability to the whole thing quickly goes out the window. I prefer smaller-scale adventures with people who aren't nearly indestructible. That shit is important, and it isn't in this movie, huh?
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings - This one is mildly enjoyable due to the fight scenes, but it gets pretty overblown after a while, what with dragons and armies fighting each other... I will say that I didn't hate the movie like I was expecting, and it was good to see Ben Kingsley back as the fake Mandarin. The settings were pretty good, the characters weren't horrible, and it didn't suck. I can't say it was great though.
What If? - Kill me now. Yeah, the animation is okay, but this is the worst case of official fan-fiction I've ever had the misfortune of watching. Hell, I didn't even finish the series because there's no fucking point. What if Captain America was a woman? Look how good of a job she does! What if Starlord was black? Look how much better he was than the white guy! What if the main overrated Avengers died? Yeah, that'd be cool, but still, fuck them. The MCU loves to suck their dicks and put them in the forefront of everything, but there are so many better characters they'll never give a chance, which is ridiculous considering Disney owns the majority of all Marvel properties. What if Doctor Strange's love interest died instead of him losing his hands and he becomes an evil prick? What if I gave a fuck?
By the time it got to the zombie episode, I had completely lost interest and even that episode seemed like a complete misfire to me. It's like a zombie movie made by non-horror fans who think they understand the genre. Insulting, to say the least. I'm not even sure I finished that episode, because I was completely disillusioned by this show at this point, so I skipped the rest...
Hawkeye - I waited until I learned the rumors were true before I watched this one. Of course, the return of Kingpin came as no surprise to anyone because Marvel loves to leak all their biggest spoilers basically a year in advance to test fan reactions to make sure they're doing something that will go over well. This is especially true for No Way Home, but we'll get there in a minute.
So Jeremy Renner plays Hawkeye, who isn't exactly the same characterization as in the comics. The show tries to veer him back into that version as he takes on a new protege, and I'll admit it. Kate Bishop was a decent character. But Swordsman wasn't. Talk about a major departure from the source material, and simply there to be a red herring. Most of the story is okay, but they save the mighty return of Kingpin for only one episode, they super-power him, and then... SPOILERS... they "kill" him? Talk about a big fucking disappointment. We waited years for this great villain to make a reprise only to be offed off-screen by a dull side character. Disney sure knows how to ruin my day, don't they?
Spider-Man: No Way Home - To wrap things up, Spider-Man was actually a very entertaining movie. In retrospect, it definitely isn't perfect though. They didn't do shit with the long-awaited DareDevil return, and the dimensional logic really makes no sense. Yeah, it's magic, but even by their own logic, it takes a few liberties just to keep the plot flowing. Not all the villains knew Peter Parker's secret, but they're there anyway, just for the hell of it.
Does that really bother me? No. It was fun as hell to see them all back, as well as the previous Spider-Men Toby and Garfield. That part there was another one of Marvel's infamous leaks. They tried to pretend it was a twist that would blow fan's minds, but by the time it came to theaters, fans would be pissed if they WEREN'T in it. They spoiled that shit intentionally a year before the movie came out. They love to spoil everything, but fuck it. It was a welcome "twist".
I absolutely loved having Willem Dafoe back, simply because he makes every movie better. Plus, he's both sympathetic AND an evil piece of shit in this movie. Of course, the whole idea of saving the villains and returning them to their timelines is flawed and open to various paradoxes, but whatever. It was a really fun movie with a total downer ending, and downer endings make me happy, especially in family-friendly movies.
So there you have it. Marvel phase 4 is not exactly my cup of tea, and I'm not a fan of the direction they're going with things. That is to say, making a bunch of crap nobody is asking for when they need to properly bring in all the crap people have been wanting for ages. I want to see Fantastic Four done right, but they haven't even started on that one yet. And where the fuck is Deadpool and the X-Men?! X-Men are basically my favorite Marvel property and Disney is so damn reluctant to bring them into the mix, it's nauseating.
On an unrelated note, I've been rewatching the 90s animated X-Men and Spider-Man cartoons and they hold up surprisingly well. If I keep Disney+, it's basically so I can watch that shit. Those were the days!
WandaVision - When this was first announced, I was pretty pissed because the MCU version of Scarlet Witch and Vision are both shitty characters. Super boring, generic superhero cutouts with no personality. Then I saw the trailer and saw they were making it into a shitty old sitcom and I got very excited. Then the series went on and strayed from that shitty sitcom format and turned into an actual shitty superhero story.
What really sucks here is that she has the power to alter reality, and since she's capable of merging the Fox properties (X-Men!!) with a simple chant, we were all waiting for something to happen. This show came out AFTER Fox got bought out, after all. So did they do anything? Well, they brought Evan Peters back... and then spit on the fans faces by having him be a fake out. Basically, nothing good happened here, so the start of this phase already had me disillusioned.
Falcon and the Winter Soldier - Again, Falcon and Winter Soldier are two incredibly boring characters. Anthony Mackie is a good actor and all, but what does he have to work with here? The two have to fight some uninspired super soldiers as well as Wyatt Russell's goofy looking Captain America who goes mad with power, and in the end, I was rather unenthused by the whole thing. It's just kind of a dull story that tries to cash in on the political thriller aspect of the second Captain America movie, only it doesn't have much substance to it.
Loki - Finally, we have a decent entry to this phase, because Tom HIddleston is a charming S.O.B. His character actually has a good arc, being a mischievious fuck who finally learns what an ass he's been and, in a most narcicistic twist, falls in love with himself. Well, rather a female variant of himself, but it's perfectly fitting.
This is a weird time-travel story primarily used to set up the rise of Kang the Conqueror, who I've read a lot about and he seems like he could save the MCU from all this generic drivel. I was quite fascinated with the finale of this show, which had a total Planet of the Apes type of ending.
Black Widow - After something good, we're back to this mediocre drivel about another extremely boring character that Marvel seems absolutely obsessed with. I think Scarlet Johansen is very meh, and I know her character is supposed to have no real personality, but give me a break. They only gave her this movie because she's a "strong woman" type, but apparently, it wasn't worth the wait to a lot of fans.
David Harbour was good as Red Guardian, because that dude is generally good in whatever he does. What's-her-face as Yelena was also oddly charming as a comic relief of sorts, but Task Master was completely ruined by turning HIM into a HER, and basically as a mindless drone. Ugh. What a waste.
Eternals - Perhaps the weakest Marvel movie yet. Here, we have a team of super-powered aliens who nobody knows nor gives two fucks about. I particularly hated that Superman knock-off Icarus, just because. Then the rest of our eternal characters are a showcase of ethnic diversity, with some homosexuality thrown into the mix just for the sake of being woke.
The plot has our eternals fighting deviants, who are generic monsters, as well as themselves and their master who wants to destroy the earth. When it comes to the entire earth being at stake, my relatability to the whole thing quickly goes out the window. I prefer smaller-scale adventures with people who aren't nearly indestructible. That shit is important, and it isn't in this movie, huh?
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings - This one is mildly enjoyable due to the fight scenes, but it gets pretty overblown after a while, what with dragons and armies fighting each other... I will say that I didn't hate the movie like I was expecting, and it was good to see Ben Kingsley back as the fake Mandarin. The settings were pretty good, the characters weren't horrible, and it didn't suck. I can't say it was great though.
What If? - Kill me now. Yeah, the animation is okay, but this is the worst case of official fan-fiction I've ever had the misfortune of watching. Hell, I didn't even finish the series because there's no fucking point. What if Captain America was a woman? Look how good of a job she does! What if Starlord was black? Look how much better he was than the white guy! What if the main overrated Avengers died? Yeah, that'd be cool, but still, fuck them. The MCU loves to suck their dicks and put them in the forefront of everything, but there are so many better characters they'll never give a chance, which is ridiculous considering Disney owns the majority of all Marvel properties. What if Doctor Strange's love interest died instead of him losing his hands and he becomes an evil prick? What if I gave a fuck?
By the time it got to the zombie episode, I had completely lost interest and even that episode seemed like a complete misfire to me. It's like a zombie movie made by non-horror fans who think they understand the genre. Insulting, to say the least. I'm not even sure I finished that episode, because I was completely disillusioned by this show at this point, so I skipped the rest...
Hawkeye - I waited until I learned the rumors were true before I watched this one. Of course, the return of Kingpin came as no surprise to anyone because Marvel loves to leak all their biggest spoilers basically a year in advance to test fan reactions to make sure they're doing something that will go over well. This is especially true for No Way Home, but we'll get there in a minute.
So Jeremy Renner plays Hawkeye, who isn't exactly the same characterization as in the comics. The show tries to veer him back into that version as he takes on a new protege, and I'll admit it. Kate Bishop was a decent character. But Swordsman wasn't. Talk about a major departure from the source material, and simply there to be a red herring. Most of the story is okay, but they save the mighty return of Kingpin for only one episode, they super-power him, and then... SPOILERS... they "kill" him? Talk about a big fucking disappointment. We waited years for this great villain to make a reprise only to be offed off-screen by a dull side character. Disney sure knows how to ruin my day, don't they?
Spider-Man: No Way Home - To wrap things up, Spider-Man was actually a very entertaining movie. In retrospect, it definitely isn't perfect though. They didn't do shit with the long-awaited DareDevil return, and the dimensional logic really makes no sense. Yeah, it's magic, but even by their own logic, it takes a few liberties just to keep the plot flowing. Not all the villains knew Peter Parker's secret, but they're there anyway, just for the hell of it.
Does that really bother me? No. It was fun as hell to see them all back, as well as the previous Spider-Men Toby and Garfield. That part there was another one of Marvel's infamous leaks. They tried to pretend it was a twist that would blow fan's minds, but by the time it came to theaters, fans would be pissed if they WEREN'T in it. They spoiled that shit intentionally a year before the movie came out. They love to spoil everything, but fuck it. It was a welcome "twist".
I absolutely loved having Willem Dafoe back, simply because he makes every movie better. Plus, he's both sympathetic AND an evil piece of shit in this movie. Of course, the whole idea of saving the villains and returning them to their timelines is flawed and open to various paradoxes, but whatever. It was a really fun movie with a total downer ending, and downer endings make me happy, especially in family-friendly movies.
So there you have it. Marvel phase 4 is not exactly my cup of tea, and I'm not a fan of the direction they're going with things. That is to say, making a bunch of crap nobody is asking for when they need to properly bring in all the crap people have been wanting for ages. I want to see Fantastic Four done right, but they haven't even started on that one yet. And where the fuck is Deadpool and the X-Men?! X-Men are basically my favorite Marvel property and Disney is so damn reluctant to bring them into the mix, it's nauseating.
On an unrelated note, I've been rewatching the 90s animated X-Men and Spider-Man cartoons and they hold up surprisingly well. If I keep Disney+, it's basically so I can watch that shit. Those were the days!
