Everybody likes the first Jurassic Park movie. It was unique at the time, but here we are at the fifth movie, and nobody ever learns from their mistakes. Ever.

The newest movie is "Fallen Kingdom", in which the island with the dinosaurs has a volcano erupting, and it's going to make the dinosaurs extinct. Again. However, we already have those stupid dinosaur-rights protesters trying to save the happy critters from a fiery demise, and apparently, that's enough to get our previous protagonists back on board.

Bryce Dallas Howard has to return so she can activate the tracking system on the dinos so they can be rescued. Chris Pratt is back because he has a strong bond with the blue one. 'Blue', as she's so named, was genetically enhanced or some bullshit, and that's why Ted Levine is leading them through the jungle. Yeah, old Buffalo Bob plays one of those assholes you like to hate. Also, cool to see Peter Jason in a small and pointless role. That dude hasn't done anything big in a while.

The cast is pretty good. Jeff Goldblum is barely in it though, but there's also bad characters. I hate the cliche character who's there to bypass the technological restraints of computer systems, and this dude was the worst. Fucking annoying as shit. I wanted him to die as soon as I saw him, but in my gut, I knew he was going to make it through this entire movie, because he was a whiny bitch, but he was also the "comic relief" in this PG-13 movie. Honestly, he's the main reason I hate this movie. Fuck that asshole, and whatever demographic he's supposed to represent. Nerdy, emasculate men who manipulate technological barriers for characters, in ways that don't make sense? Also, that's a trope that should be gone from every movie. The goddamn "hacker" type who make up words and analyze complex algorithms and guess passwords in seconds. Shit doesn't work that way!

The movie felt reeeeaaallly long though. Probably because I already wasn't feeling the movie from the intro scene alone, but 2+ hours is pushing my patience with dinosaurs. Kids probably love it though, but I'm mostly apathetic to them. This movie is kind of a two-parter. The first half is a rescue-op, and the second half...

Kind of a spoiler, but I guarantee it wont surprise anyone: Dude actually wants to weaponize the dinosaurs and auction them off. With this type of movie, it isn't anything unexpected, but it's still so goddamn cliche, you wonder why they don't try anything different.

To be fair, this movie is different. A little bit. The end, although there's not much logic as to why it goes down the way it does, is still pretty interesting. It leaves the next movie with plenty of opportunities to do something different with the series, but I'm sure it'll be the same shit.

This movie still kinda sucks though. To me, anyway. I'm sure plenty of people will like it, but I hate it. I hate it because of that fucking nerd character, who gets far too much screentime for a character as lame as he was. Who's dick did his parents have to suck to get him that role? Chris Pratt is still cool though. Chris Pratt is the man.

Also, I still can't believe the whole plot of the movie... people protesting dino extinction, because dinos are living creatures too. Even though they fucking killed several people... even though our quasi-friendly dinos are killing several people... but whatever. Fuck 'em.

If dinosaurs are so great, why are they all dead? Why are they all birds now? I eat chicken for breakfast. Dinosaurs ain't so tough!