Jun '23
countdown before I go
a few points.
Im not going to fight
but I will be on the front lines, because I have to
a few points.
Im not going to fight
but I will be on the front lines, because I have to
Mar 31 *
Always my body has failed. Not sure I said I was always the fastest at school growing up, first at sprint then at middle distance/crosscountry. I ran my first marathon at 11 years old. OK only ran 40km so not quite all but without water, that is my drive though, once I start I do not stop, I am a machine.
I was rugby player of the year one year cause it was so easy for me to score tries, I once scored 5 in one game.
But around the age of 13 or so I started getting this burning feeling in my feet like really burning, I would try and push through but it would burn and burn, I now see it was pain. Had to give up running even though I loved it
Next great love was guitar, discovered hendrix at 12 or so on waiheki island, I didnt even hear the albuim (rainbow bridge) but fell in love with the cunt. as soon as I got home I bought a cassette of him (from my paper round money - we had moved back to town from the farm)
goinf ucking brilliant until when I was 18 living in hamilton I fucked my wrist up, cause I was playing 12 hours a day every day - no life (actually I was younger now I think about it)
---
actually this does not make sense at all
- my grandma was alive then, fucken loved her, I used to blast her out playing metal guitar - and shes rocking, I used to turn it loud cause I was metal and she is deaf, biggest rugby lover on the planet, she would of overdoesed on how much rugby was played after she died in the professional era.
I wrote a line in a song about her years ago, which I cant remember now (and this is all based on a true story)
I saw fear in the eyes of my grandma when they dragged her away to the ovens of auschwitz
she might of been old, she might of been jewish, but that don't them a right, to fucken burn her,
Oh grandma
- cant play it on the guitar, I think it was keyboard, but its so long ago now - I can still sing it though
I was living with my grandma when she died, the above lyric is true, I was living with her - family decided she had to go to a home, Im like nah its OK I can care for her, we had been living together like 2-3 months before this, they are like no you can't you're a kid (I'm not doubting how old I was in hamilton, I thought 18, but now I think 17) Im like no I can me and her are good - IN HINDSIGHT I SEE I WAS KEEPING HER ALIVE, me living with her - she can sleep in her bed, look at her garden that she prized so much. I would cook the food, clean everything etc (but not wash her body r help with the toilet - I wish I did in hindsight cause then she would not have had to go to the home, but didnt cause of impropriety - cause maybe I would fuck her - ugn THIS ANGERS me, why ) cause thats what killed her, leaving her house and garden - her roses - her native trees - the beautiful rimu - the tiny kauri -
now it prolly is huge now, like 20 cm wide, last I saw it was 10cm wide. Maybe someones cut it down, who knows, I don't think so cause it was already big but ppl should know a kauri of 50 years is beautiful. But the family never had faith in me then to look after her, so they took her to an old folks home. I helped her escape a week later during a visit, well escape is pushing it - it was easy we took a taxi to he house
now this is bad part - very embarassed
- they came for her maybe an hour or 2 later (maybe it was the next day, honestly I dont remember) they came and picked her up (friend of the family, slung her over the shoulder fireman carry and she is like "zed please help me" whilst being on this guys shoulder looking back and I done nothing - literally nothing, I just stood and watched - don't know if it was cause I was 17 and had no voice, or cause I wanted it to happen, anyways I just froze, I still feel guilty today - nowadays I am like fuck it - just do shit - punch, bite, do shit - but I done nothing
the worst moment of my life - sorry grandma, I failed, My age is no excuse, I failed
- I will carry this to my grave
afterwards I saw grandma in the hospital a day or so later, she did not speak to me, just looked ahead stoic, did not even acknowledge me even - she died like 3 days later - from not eating
I was rugby player of the year one year cause it was so easy for me to score tries, I once scored 5 in one game.
But around the age of 13 or so I started getting this burning feeling in my feet like really burning, I would try and push through but it would burn and burn, I now see it was pain. Had to give up running even though I loved it
Next great love was guitar, discovered hendrix at 12 or so on waiheki island, I didnt even hear the albuim (rainbow bridge) but fell in love with the cunt. as soon as I got home I bought a cassette of him (from my paper round money - we had moved back to town from the farm)
goinf ucking brilliant until when I was 18 living in hamilton I fucked my wrist up, cause I was playing 12 hours a day every day - no life (actually I was younger now I think about it)
---
actually this does not make sense at all
- my grandma was alive then, fucken loved her, I used to blast her out playing metal guitar - and shes rocking, I used to turn it loud cause I was metal and she is deaf, biggest rugby lover on the planet, she would of overdoesed on how much rugby was played after she died in the professional era.
I wrote a line in a song about her years ago, which I cant remember now (and this is all based on a true story)
I saw fear in the eyes of my grandma when they dragged her away to the ovens of auschwitz
she might of been old, she might of been jewish, but that don't them a right, to fucken burn her,
Oh grandma
- cant play it on the guitar, I think it was keyboard, but its so long ago now - I can still sing it though
I was living with my grandma when she died, the above lyric is true, I was living with her - family decided she had to go to a home, Im like nah its OK I can care for her, we had been living together like 2-3 months before this, they are like no you can't you're a kid (I'm not doubting how old I was in hamilton, I thought 18, but now I think 17) Im like no I can me and her are good - IN HINDSIGHT I SEE I WAS KEEPING HER ALIVE, me living with her - she can sleep in her bed, look at her garden that she prized so much. I would cook the food, clean everything etc (but not wash her body r help with the toilet - I wish I did in hindsight cause then she would not have had to go to the home, but didnt cause of impropriety - cause maybe I would fuck her - ugn THIS ANGERS me, why ) cause thats what killed her, leaving her house and garden - her roses - her native trees - the beautiful rimu - the tiny kauri -
now it prolly is huge now, like 20 cm wide, last I saw it was 10cm wide. Maybe someones cut it down, who knows, I don't think so cause it was already big but ppl should know a kauri of 50 years is beautiful. But the family never had faith in me then to look after her, so they took her to an old folks home. I helped her escape a week later during a visit, well escape is pushing it - it was easy we took a taxi to he house
now this is bad part - very embarassed
- they came for her maybe an hour or 2 later (maybe it was the next day, honestly I dont remember) they came and picked her up (friend of the family, slung her over the shoulder fireman carry and she is like "zed please help me" whilst being on this guys shoulder looking back and I done nothing - literally nothing, I just stood and watched - don't know if it was cause I was 17 and had no voice, or cause I wanted it to happen, anyways I just froze, I still feel guilty today - nowadays I am like fuck it - just do shit - punch, bite, do shit - but I done nothing
the worst moment of my life - sorry grandma, I failed, My age is no excuse, I failed
- I will carry this to my grave
afterwards I saw grandma in the hospital a day or so later, she did not speak to me, just looked ahead stoic, did not even acknowledge me even - she died like 3 days later - from not eating
May 9
Yeah so all its done just waiting on phone call.
Done paperwork and medical, fucking cold at the moment I thought i brought gloves but can't find them. Lady just walked by wearing blanket as poncho.
Oddly not afraid at all even though I know there's a high chance I will be dead soon.
All death numbers in news are complete bs.
I tell you weird thing here, being in army now here, it's actually quite funny, police will defer to you, they come up to you to chatise you about something, but as soon as they know you are army it's like oh sorry, carry on, what can I do
Done paperwork and medical, fucking cold at the moment I thought i brought gloves but can't find them. Lady just walked by wearing blanket as poncho.
Oddly not afraid at all even though I know there's a high chance I will be dead soon.
All death numbers in news are complete bs.
I tell you weird thing here, being in army now here, it's actually quite funny, police will defer to you, they come up to you to chatise you about something, but as soon as they know you are army it's like oh sorry, carry on, what can I do
https://www.verywellhealth.com/pt-exercises-for-achilles-tendonitis-5202656
injured it 3 March doing my time trial 3.2km in 15 mins, Finally pain free like last week tuesday first time I could walk normal. Saturday started pissing down on this large bridge so ran maybe 400m fucked it up again.
Went to the doctors that day (saw 3 doctors all free of course, you dont pay here, only had to wait 10 minutes as well).
Didnt want to walk yesterday, but got the call I had to rescue childs toy as it went down storm drain, so had to fucken walk 2km as well as drop down into the 3m deep stormdrain and walk along it retreive it and climb back out, so hobbling again. FFS.
Perhaps its a sign but I don't believe in that shit