Horoscopes
Updated Fri
| â | Aquarius | I wouldn't even go outside today if I were you. |
| â | Pisces | Don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed. Dental hygiene is important. |
| â | Aries | Good things come to those at the gate. |
| â | Taurus | Pick on someone smaller than you. It's easier to get what you want that way. |
| â | Gemini | Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels! |
| â | Cancer | Be extremely superstitious today. Avoid black cats, breaking mirrors, cracks in the sidewalk, etc, etc... Or else you will die. Eventually. |
| â | Leo | You may need more fiber in your diet. It might explain why pooping feels off lately. |
| â | Virgo | Watch a violent movie today if you want to stay sane. |
| â | Libra | People can do anything they put their mind to. Why does your mind always wander towards the gutter? |
| â | Scorpio | One man's garbage is another man person's good ungarbage. |
| â | Sagittarius | Today, you will have a brush with death, but 25 cents awaits you if you'll bear with it. |
| â | Capricorn | Hey, @! Get your ass away from there! |