Horoscopes
Updated Jan 22
| â | Aquarius | On your next transaction, overpay by a single penny and tell the cashier to keep the change. Then base your daily outlook on their reaction. |
| â | Pisces | One man's garbage is another man person's good ungarbage. |
| â | Aries | Today, you will have a brush with death, but 25 cents awaits you if you'll bear with it. |
| â | Taurus | Kill everyone now! Condone first degree murder! Advocate cannibalism! Eat shit! |
| â | Gemini | We belong dead. |
| â | Cancer | Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels! |
| â | Leo | Be aware of what you wear today. Someone important might judge you because of it. |
| â | Virgo | Just let it call you Billy. |
| â | Libra | Sticking together is what good waffles do. |
| â | Scorpio | Dear @, This is an automated message. If you ever want to talk, about anything... I have no life. Sincerely, a robot |
| â | Sagittarius | Looks like we need two turnips in heat. |
| â | Capricorn | It's better to have a gun and need it than to not have a gun and not need it. |